Carnations Are Not Roses

Golf carts are not cars. Bikes are not motorcycles. Margarine is not butter.

These things are fairly obvious to the most casual observer. Why is it that people try to pull the wool over our eyes with other things? I've been running into several tricky foods lately, and it doesn't take more than one taste to know that there's something not-quite-right about these substitutes.

1. Soy milk is not milk. It's not. Call it something else. Soy juice. Soy drink. Soy beverage. Heaven knows we have weirder names than that out there. When I look at that little blue container of Silk, with the white splashing milky substance on the front, I think, "Hm, it can't be too bad. It looks harmless." And there is where I fell into the trap of American advertising. Soy milk is actually faintly yellowish, and it tastes a bit like chalk and nuts were ground up together and mixed violently with some sort of liquid until this weird milky consistency happened. However, it's a "Great source of calcium!" so drink it I must. Anything that can give me 30% of my daily calcium is a necessity, whether or not it tastes like the water someone used to clean off the blackboard. After several valiant efforts (4 containers at least) I managed to eradicate the gag reflex. I take this as progress. Though I still want to go in and Sharpie "SILK IS A LIE!" all over the soy milk section of the grocery store...

2. If it doesn't have milk, it's not chocolate. There are a few exceptions, but those are few and far between. The label "chocolate" seems to be abused in popular culture, which is just wrong. Chocolate is not something to be trifled with. It either is chocolate, or it isn't. Don't try to tell me something is chocolate flavored, because it's not. I learned that very quickly when I tried the gluten-free-dairy-free ice cream substitute at the grocery store on campus. Worst. Experience. Of my life. It tasted like paper, with the consistency of weird sherbet. It tasted nothing like chocolate at all. They should have just said "paper flavored!" on the outside. I'm sure they would have gotten more buys from that. (Coincidentally, a friend and I looked up craving paper on Web M.D. in the newsroom last night while we were waiting for stories to come in, and it's a symptom of an eating disorder or anemia. Oh, Web M.D.)

3. Coffee lies. "Chocolate Velvet" coffee does not have chocolate -- or velvet, if you were wondering -- in it, and it tastes like burnt Tootsie-Rolls. Or plastic. (They're basically the same, anyway.) When I tried to semi-salvage it with the only diluting substance I had (soy notmilk), it did not help. Chalk + plastic = not good eats.

Interesting accidentally-vegan food of the day: Tagalongs. Yes! Just when I thought I would have to give up Girl Scout Cookies.

And I've now survived my first week of being vegan. I'm feeling good about this, and I'm definitely learning to appreciate animal products a lot more than I ever have before. Talk about never knowing what you have until it's gone!